This is a piece of something I wanted to give up.

A feeling that I fought, a special and important that I got.

This is a letter to the one I called Heaven;

to an extraordinary man, to the one I had chosen.

 

Let me start with something I don’t know.

 

Wait.

 

What I mean was “some reasons” why “I don’t know”-

I can’t figure it out why I am writing this, why I have to show.

For I am aware that he doesn’t care

because what the hell?!

He was so unfair.

 

This is something that I hate with myself.

 

Because after all, my hands keep on writing and I can’t let it stop.

My mind keeps on thinking, assuming, imagining;

after all, my heart keeps on beating, exciting…..

 

Hurting;

 

After all, my body is expecting: lips on his, hands on him;

my eyes are stunning, so much worse? Flirting!

 

This is something that I don’t know if I am making any sense here,

because if you’d try to ask me if I am making any sense to him?

I guess my answer would be:

 

“Unfortunately, I don’t. I bet.”

 

I am still being so knotty about where to start.

I am now reading from the top until I saw the word HEAVEN.

Yes! Heaven—elevated place, top of every material things.

 

And I used to call him heaven. He used to ease my worries,

a scenery that makes me feel that he’s just near and I can feel his presence.

When he was away, I started to look at the sky;

seldom, until frequent to sometimes. To always.

 

I miss him” my heart said.

 

Thus I keep on staring on the limitless sky, day and even at night,

assuming that he’s doing the same.

 

I clearly remember the first, second… fifth… tenth? Or maybe 22nd time.

The moment when his words rescued me,

how his love became birds,

beautiful birds flying from where he stays-to where I am;

birdies with stunning quills—sparkling!

Just like my eyes the first time I saw him,

and as soft as his voice the way he spoke on our first phone call.

All things worked well…

 

Until suddenly… he changed.

 

From the warm days turned to cold nights, sunny to rainy, clear sky ended as gloomy..

 

heaven to hell.

 

Everything has changed..

 

Birds never fly anymore.

Love never felt again,

 

whispers turned to scream.

Smiles become tears,

memories turned to nightmares.

 

From ‘Babe’ to first names.

 

He turned out to be different, and I started to feel uncertain.

 

Heaven. That’s what I described him. However, isn’t it ironic that after all the pain he brought, I still see him as my heaven?

 

After all the fights that ended up without any conversations, I still call him as ‘My heaven’.

After all of his broken promises,

how he made me fool to believe those lies and left me pointless,

yet I still think he’s my heaven.

 

After all of his ‘’I love you to the moon and back” that he uttered but never showed, and;

please, trust me” which I did—for I knew he’d be worth.

But it was too late for me to realize he didn’t deserve,

I made him my heaven.

 

So now tell me how to start to write something valuable,

how am I going to tell the world that he was lovable?

Despite of all, he was my serenity, my sweetest downfall.

 

Despite of all, he was my heaven and I still wanted to be his stars;

when the sky is dull—to give him sparks when the night needs shine.

 

Despite of his awfulness, he is still my Heaven and I love to be his moon: when he becomes darker,

when he needs light in every cold night;

when people only sees his dimness,

I make him wonderful and let him always be.

 

 

Despite of all my tears,

he will still be my heaven and I will be willing to be his sun,

to warm him all over.

To dry up the rains he fell under,

to set him bright so that people will look him up

and see how vivid he will be, and even better.

 

Despite of all shits he made me through time,

I wanted to be everything that he will be.

I wanted to make him wonderful.

He’s not just heaven,

 

my heart sees him as paradise.

 

Despite of all these words I’m writing about what he was,

 

I loved him.

 

So I want to end this with things from something I don’t know to certain things I recognized-

to one thing that I never dared to know before because what the hell I was too mesmerized.

I am writing these things for the reason that I fathom I have to let it out and let you know—how hurt I am,

and grateful;

and needy..

 

and broke.

 

I would like to state the things that made me feel certain about the things while I am writing this, they would probably be:

1st—He will never come back again;

2nd—he will never care, as well,

but my heart will continue to beat for that one stupid man is the 3rd.

 

So now this is a piece of something that I had given up.

A feeling that I fought, a special and important that I got.

This is a letter to the one I used to call Heaven,

and to an extraordinary woman; to the one I become.

Advertisements